After the Storm

Welcome to YWS!

The message you conveyed here was good, however, I did not really enjoy this poem as most of the lines sounded a little awkward (the flow wasn't smooth), and were too long. Like WaterVyper mentioned, it was like "prose thrown together with rhymes mixed in." The best is to read the poem out, so you can hear if anything sounds awkward.

And also, the punctuation needs some revising too. For example, in the first stanza:



At times like this, I felt like giving up.

The war, the crisis and the poverty must stop.

I feel like I could not take it anymore. <<(a comma should be put here)

Because the crisis today was more worse than before.



You repeated this over and over in the following stanzas.

Please revise this poem. It's good, but it needs improving. Big time improving.

Sorry if I was too harsh.

Keep writing.

At times like this, I felt like giving up.

The war, the crisis and the poverty must stop. This doesn't really rhyme with the line above. Remember, poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme!

I feel like I could not take it anymore. You should change 'feel' to 'felt' if you're using past tense.

Because the crisis today was more worse than before. You can't use 'more worse', because worse is already in a comparative form. You can say 'much worse' of 'far worse' if you like.



Because of the hard times of life today. Replace the period with a comma.

Many become poor and many passed away. You're changing your tense. That isn't good in a poem. Try to stick with one tense, past or present. Also, this line seems forced in rhyming.

Some even committed suicide, their decision was not right.

Some just inhale solvents to lose their appetite. I apologize, but these two lines seem unnecessary and forced as well. You sound like you just need a rhyme for this. I admire the concept, but is there any other way that you can word this?



Many became homeless after disasters and the war. If wanting to fix the flow, I'd remove 'the'

Many people just gave up because their hope was too far. Sorry, but this line doesn't make that much sense. Far away, I can understand, but just far makes it sound forced.

Some people have no clothing, just with underpants or a brief. If you want to be really correct, it should be 'briefs'. This part seemed out of place to me. It was quite a bit too out of character with this message.

But I know the Lord Almighty was always there to comfort them in their grief. The flow is off. Could you make this line a bit shorter?



But why does fate sometimes play cruel jokes.Replace the period with a question mark.

Because there are certain situations in which people are "broke". It took me a while to get it, but I can't really say that this is good. Sorry to say it, but this doesn't seem like it should be here. It's a bit random, if you ask me. The line, not the poem.

We must help our people in times of poverty.

So that the unfortunate may have the chance to fulfill their destiny. Um, the rhyming could work if going by last syllables, but I don't think so. It just seems a bit too cliche in this part.



Does any family need a pillar of strength.

For all the undergoing trials the family went. The repetition of 'family' doesn't sound very nice. Also, you should change the period in the line above to a comma, and replace the period in this line with a question mark.

So now we must decide to choose hope over fear.

So that we may assist the unfortunate and the people we hold dear. The flow is off here. I'd strongly recommend cutting a part out of this line.



Our hope will then rise on days full of prayer,

and with the help and support of the Lord Almighty our saviour. With poetry, you capitalize each line, unless you're going for a type of poetry with no capitalization.

We still have the priests, the bishops, and the pope,

and most especially to our God Almighty, our light and our hope.



So despite of times today, we can still help as a friend.The flow isn't working well here.

We must persevere to that goal until the very end.

We must always remember to carry that ray of hope from the day we were born.Another issue with flow.

Then our dream will finally be reality after the storm.